wisdom from a friend

one of my friends reminded me tonight that we are so used to being able to succeed on our own. yes, true, but what's the point?

for the first time in my life, my "success" at doing something is NOT about how many hours i put in, how passionate i am, how hard i work ... but it is based on about 11 kids who have severe learning, behavior, and emotional disabilities.

my class: their scores, their grades, their attitudes, their behavior in the hall (shudder) ... those are the things that people are measuring and examining here.

an assistant principal said to me a few days ago: "ms. matthews, your boys ran out of the lunchroom AGAIN ..." (and a laundry list of other things). my initial reaction? don't call them *my* boys! i didn't raise them to be like this! i am not their mother! if i had any control whatsoever they would NOT be running out of the lunchroom. i've had them for like 5 days. don't you dare imply that i am ultimately responsible for this kind of out of control behavior.

but am i (ultimately responsible that is) ?? sometimes it feels like it.

it seems like i have no way to control them. no recourses. can't keep them for detention (they're bused), can't suspend them (they're special ed and their disablities prohibit that), can't get ahold of their parents ...

and my success hinges on this. but dumb me, why do i care anyhow? success sucshmesh. it's that part of me that wants to be perfect at everything that i REALLY need to let go of now. it'll kill me here, because there is no way.