realization

this deal is really hard. adrenaline keeps me going through the school day, and i laugh a lot at all the crazy things that happen, and the madness that is my classroom, but it is actually really sad and simply terribly difficult.

it seems like even the best classroom management system could not control these kids (unless it involved chains and weighted jackets, which i am not sure that i can use). no matter what i do or say, no matter how strict i am with them, no matter what i threaten or what i actually do, it truly doesn't seem to matter. and i know, it doesn't really count b/c it hasn't been enough time to realllly know that it doesn't work ...

but in any case, for tonight, i am tired, frustrated, and confused. i have lesson plans that were due last friday that i still haven't turned in ... trying to figure out tomorrow (what do i DO?!) ... thinking about the new little boy in my class who has some severe issues and is so precious but is just super clingy. All day today he would come up randomly (while i was talking to the whole class -) and hug me really tight. cute, but of course all the OTHER 12-year old boys are like, 'aw man why he huggin' on her like that?'. And imagine that scene, except when i'm trying to take care of my out of control boys (ie yell at them) for fighting, throwing paper all over the room, telling me to f*** off ... little guy is STILL around my waist. every couple sentences i'd bend down and tell him sorry for being so loud/mean next to his ear.

oh bless.