thoughts

i was thinking tonight, as i ran over to the berzinsky's to walk steve, about my class, me in it, what is happening. as i'm running, some guys whistle from across the street and literally the first words/response that came into my mind were:
a) words frequently used in my classroom
b) words definitely unacceptable to use in school, definitely in my classroom, and generally in my life anyway.

those moments are always funny because they make you think - oh wow i totally would have said that outloud.

that's not the biggest deal, whatever. but what i find is sad is that, all week, i've been saying how i'm emotionally shutting down. nothing phases me anymore. language, fighting, behaviors ... NUMB. we all talk about it (all of us first year teachers) - that kids do stuff, and it's like, whatever, as long as you don't really mess him up, whatever. nothing rocks us, nothing really matters, i can't care ... cold as stone. helpful in the moment ...

BUT i get thinking as i'm running, after this lovely string of words runs through my mind ... am i really okay with this? how am i *supposed* to respond??! and God (always) comes back with "let your heart break, sarah, let it break for these kids, for the words they use, for the lives they have, for the struggles they go through. that is what will fuel you over the next two years ... let your heart break."

not really what i want to do; diet coke is fueling me just fine for now. it seems too emotionally involved and quite frankly, too difficult. but i think it may be the right response ... and God (still, always) comes back with the classic "if you knew what i knew, trust me, your heart would break. mine does. let yours."

okay ... okay.